I’m not sure what to do with this blog. It has morphed many times as I have in the past few years that I have maintained it. It was a space of expression that I used to enjoy and maintain daily for a couple of years. It was a place that was an outpouring of my inner thoughts that I shared with no one, and when they were here they were shared with everyone. But then it became a place of activities, events, campaigns and anger. Nothing wrong with that… but it went away from the personal to the distant. Today, when i write it is deeply personal and vulnerable and I dont want to expose that. So I write and the writings get buried away in an electronic archive.

 

But I think back at a time when I did expose my self and I did make my self vulnerable, and it was OK. What has changed? Am I censoring myself? I feel I censor myself for others and because of them. I know when I was in Lebanon, that that was why I stopped writing altogether.  I am no longer in that place or space, yet I still cant bring myself to say the things I want to say. Censorship, self censorship is a scary thing.  

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Looking around me I am not sure what to make of 2011. Egypt is angry, Tunisia is angry, Algeria is angry, Lebanon is angry… need I go on? I look a bit closer and I read what I wrote on this very blog and I realize my last post was not my usual end of year reflection but a comment on harassment. I look at my first post of 2011 and it too is not a happy one. Something must change.  And so I have decided and I have resolved to write positively, at least for the next few blog posts.

 

I am going to write not a reflection of 2010 but an aspiration for 2011.

I am going to get around to writing 10 things to do in Damascus, Aleppo and Cairo… and maybe even Alexandria!

I want to write about my Cairo metro experience – which was lovely

 

I am hoping to do all that before the end of January.

 

Wish me luck and Happy 2011.

So in my attempt to write every day, a resolution I made upon my return from Amman, I am finding it more and more difficult to find ideas and topics to talk about. Writing everyday is an exercise that is supposed to be both stimulating and therapeutic. Most of the articles I’ve read about writing have had similar advice: write, write, write… even if its crap, just write.  But my problem is even when I want to just write nothing wants to come out. When I was in Amman there seemed to be an abundance of things going on around me and thus inspiration was bountiful. I also had a lovely muse! These days the situation is a bit different. I am not as “active” in my personal life. I miss the stimulating random conversations I used to have with all sorts of folks, things that made me go hmmm. And I refuse to write about work. So to remedy the situation I either take my own advice and stop bitching and go out there or I stop writing, but as I have already made clear, that is not an option. So instead I have decided to ramble on and on as I am doing now and if it crap that comes out – oh well deal! I am determined to post something daily so I think you need to just hope for more interesting things to come up every day.

So I’ve realized that I haven’t written in a long time and I have made the decision to try and put up something no matter how big or small and get back into the habit of writing. So here is a shot at something from my new life.

Over the last few months I have been trying to acclimate in this new city I have adopted as a home for the time being. But it is a difficult place to acclimate to and I am going to be very honest and say that I have been in a funk (aka depression). I have also been very uninspired. I seem to find Beirut an uninspiring city. I know a lot of people who would disagree with me, and to the Ammani’s of them I say, try living here instead of just playing here on the weekends. To the Beirutis of them I say, please show me otherwise. To the rest of y’all tell me what you find inspiring about this city? I have been unable to write, pick up a camera or even doodle!

A blogger/ writer I know watched Lord of the Rings with subtitles on to try and unblock his writing freeze. I don’t know if it has worked for him, but I am more than willing to try something, anything, to get me back to a new state of inspiration from within this new city I call home.

Its been a little over two weeks since I’ve written. It’s a long time, or so it seems. I made the decision not to write while I was in Palestine, and since returning I have not been able to pick up. Looking back I can say the decision was made so I don’t write in anger. 

 

 

The silence has been a seething one. Anger and frustration borne out of wanting, what I can’t have, not being in control of my own destiny, denied entry into places  I want to go, guns everywhere, conversations stifled and taboo, expectations unfulfilled. Oh the anger. And so the decision was until I decompress and become a less passive aggressive human once again I will not write and subject others to the hostilities within. The words would only scald and pierce and I have done enough of that with individuals.


And so I’m back to putting pen on paper and I can say with a smile on my face… watch this space 😀