I am up in the middle of the night trying to sleep … exhausted and afraid of the big bad cough monster that won’t let me lie down. I have to remain upright to breathe when all I want to do is sleep… sweet dark quiet sleep that is elusive. My eyes, by back, my body all want to rest, my lungs demand that they remain awake, alert and alive. The mini death that comes with sleep is not desired and I in fact fear it. Every time I lay to rest it is a complete state of unrest. And so instead I write … I write long rambles, streams of consciousness that make no sense, because all they desire is a stream of unconsciousness in the form of sleep.

My eyelids are heavy, my muscles, tired, my brain half asleep, and yet the minute I lie flat my lungs protest violently… bringing the rest of my awake and alert. My eyes tear from the exertion, my chest shakes, and my body curls into the fetal position. Get up shout my lungs, torturing the body and mind into submission. Till when this ache, till when this pain?

I long to be healthy. I long for a full night of sleep. I want to die a mini death and be resurrected in a refreshed state in the morning.  I want to take a deep breath and enjoy it. I want to be asleep instead of randomly writing emails and blog posts to pass the crazy time that is 2:45 am.


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