July 2008


This Wedenesday the 30th of July, there is an open day for the Civil Society Organizations. It will take place in Al-Wakalat Street / Sweifieh at 3:00 pm; this open day is for people to meet the civil society organizations and gives people the chance to get to know what do these organizations do and it gives a chance to the organizations to network with other organizations as well.

This was a message sent to me by one of the groups I have joined. I read that and I think it is a fabulous idea. They are transforming a public space, a pedestrian shopping area nonetheless, into a public forum for people and organizations to network and promote their work. I would love to see how it works out and to find out more by actually going. Anyone care to join?

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I wrote a post a year ago about broken hearts and it is still true today as it was back then. But I can say with all certainty that there is light at the end of the tunnel. And for now I have dropped my membership and moved on.  To those that have recently joined the club, I am more than happy to lend an ear or give a love filled hug. Once again here is to forgetting, forgiving and moving on. Cheers!

Whole heartedly

S.

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The title is from a movie but the club is real. Everywhere I turn I see broken hearts, unfulfilled desires and loves lost before being gained. Sometimes, though I do see relationships that are working and people who are lovingly together and they give us all hope.

Having a broken heart means you feel, having a lost love means you have the capacity to love another (not just yourself). It also means that sometime in the future you will feel this once more, if you let yourself. Humans are adaptive things, and just like we adapt to being in a relationship we adapt to being out of one too. We learn to give and take and take and give. We adapt to the cycles of love and life and we learn to grow with each one.

Yes some people break our hearts a lot more than others, because we let them in deeper. But I think that only reaffirms how human we are and how we can feel at a much more profound level. It may also mean the mending may take longer, but it does happen. Slowly but surely you regain your sense of self, your sense of worth and you blossom once again. Start superficially and move slowly, meaningfully, back into life. It is hard but it can be done. And then you are once again ready for love, and maybe even loss again.

I know how the memory still lingers, the anger still eats at you, and the longing hurts you. But I also know that with time you forget, you forgive, you move on. I know how sleepless nights haunt you, how clarity eludes you, and the will to move on dissipates. But I also know that sleep will come back, focus is round the corner, and free will always prevails. I know the numerous times you look at your phone waiting for a ring, I know the urges to scream and shout in frustration and anger, I know the feeling of complete and utter despair. But I also know that the phone will eventually ring with your best friend cheering you up, I know the exhaustion of a long angry walk, I know the satisfaction of a good cry. I know there is light and love at the end of the tunnel, because that is the circle of life.

To those of you with broken hearts, and you know who you are, it is not an exclusive club. All are welcome to join, because in the club we drink to forgetting, forgiving and moving on. Cheers!

It’s been one hell of a month. Murphy ’s Law came into play on numerous occasions in all areas of my life too. Anything that could go wrong, did go wrong. Let’s hope that the run of bad luck ends with the end of the month if not sooner. There should be no more twists and turns in the road cause I am pretty exhausted from all that is happening.

Let me recap just a little of this month for you. My plants were on a suicide mission, they did not respond to any TLC I gave them. Now I know my limitations and I know not to even pretend to know anything about plants, and I would never dream of buying any for myself. Yet I still tried for 3 months to look after them (they were a birthday gift). I finally decided to give them away before there was no hope of resuscitation. They now live with someone else who hopefully can revive them and make them live a long green life… away from me.

Away from plants and on to easy access to my home, or not! I lost two copies of my house key this month. How dumb do you have to be to lose not one but two sets of keys?! The first set was retrievable, but the second set … well I lost them for good it seems. Luckily I always have a spare hiding somewhere.

And please don’t get me started on work. Boy oh boy did things go crazy for a while there. Unhappy participants, uncooperative clients, deadlines missed, guests at inopportune times, missed meetings (despite being there), conflict, incidents… name it and it happened this month.

But the icing on the cake has been this past week. And this is where Karma delivered its strongest blow. Someone passed on their sore throat bugs, which developed into a chest infection. That was the beginning of the week, the middle of the week I singed my arm and facial hairs in a little accident with an oven. Granted it was my stupidity but first degree burns are still not cool, especially when you re forced to stay indoors away from the sun. And at the end of the week I twisted my back out of shape and ended up with a terrible back ache that won’t go away. And I wont tell you what time of the month it is. Four in one was this week. I have seen more doctors this past week than I usually do all year.

Looking back it seems that every week had a theme this month. I am a bit concerned that there is still one more week to go, but I have my fingers (burned and normal) crossed for some smooth sailing. I really think that whatever debt I owe Karma has been paid. How it can get worse? I have a friend I was talking to who said to relax, since it can’t get worse, it can only get better. I sure hope so, coz I’m done for the month. So Karma please cut me some slack and stop being a nasty bitch to me, I really have been a good girl.

This weekend I went up to Shatana, a village in Irbid. This is my second time up there and both times have been to see the results of the Triangle Workshop taking place there. These workshops bring artists together for two weeks and they culminate in an open day which showcases some of the results of the workshop.

 

This year’s event was spread out all over the village and we basically walked through the village for three hours with a map trying to find the locations of the art work. It was a fun experience that I thoroughly enjoyed.

 

I loved the fact that we got to explore all parts of the village. Seeing the old and the new, walking on paved roads and clambering over rocks, walking into abandoned old homes all added such flavor to the art treasure hunt we were on. I especially liked interacting with the local villagers who were so welcoming and friendly. We engaged a few in conversation and others we waved at and got invited into their homes in return. I loved it.

 

But thinking back at the art work that we saw there were only a few pieces that really caught my eye. I loved the work of a Moroccan artist who used 1 piaster coins to make a map of Jordan and then asked people to take a piece of Jordan home, and if you are from Jordan to take a piece of where you are from. I loved the concept so much. It was simple, inclusive and eloquent. Another piece I liked was an installation that used old doorways from the village that had not been used and then lined up for people to walk through them. I loved it. There was another installation that had sting crossing a room from place to place with little messages at the end. This one was about our life paths and how it is like a river, you had to walk through and jump over, bend down to get through the strings; it was fun, deep and spiritual at the same time. I also liked the little cats painted all over the village as talisman warding off evil. They were fun and cute, as a cat lover it get a two thumbs up from me. There were other projects spread all over the village that were interesting and thought provoking, on the other hand some were disappointing and to me were not strong participations and I could not relate to them or understand the concept behind them, or how they come to be called art. They may be fun ideas and interesting implementations of ideas, but to me were not art. But who am I to say what is and what is not art? Each of us has an experience with each piece and an interpretation that is different. That is the splendor of diversity and exposure to different cultures and worlds, we may not understand but we learn to appreciate the differences.

 

Shatana may not have been up to artistic expectations but it was definitely worth the drive. Seeing the openness of the village of Shatana with its peoples, its houses, its lands was beautiful. Even if the art work wasn’t as provoking it was still good to go out there and see it. And what better way to end the day then with a full moon rising and accompanying us back home.

 

OK this is ridiculous another shooting in Jordan also targeting the cultural scene. In today’s paper the headline is about a shooting that stopped filiming of show in Mt. Nebo. A car pulled up and opened fire. What is going on? Why the violence? Why the guns? 

Is this due to the economic crisis in the country?

Is it the disenfranchised people?

Is it the indifference or apathy that exists in this society?

 

WHAT IS GOING ON? I am disturbed by all these “random” acts of violence.

After a concert was concluded in downtown Amman a man opened fire and shot some of the musicians as they were leaving the location. Four Lebanese musicians were shot with varying degrees of injuries.

Tomorrow perhaps will bring clarity but right now the only facts we have are 3 vicitims in Al Khalidi hospital , 1 in AL Basheer hospital, and  the shooter is dead. The victims are all lebanese musicians who have preformed earlier that evening in the Roman Theater. Everything else is speculation and hearsay so far. The source a Jordanian musician checking on his friends in the hospital.

Why this has happened no one knows as of yet. My reaction is two fold OUTRAGE and sadness. I am outraged at the sensless violence taking place. I dont know the reason for the shoot and I dont think there is a justifiable cause no matter what anyone says. The shooter is dead so we really cant ask him. I am sad for all the victims in this incident including this poor country held hostage to every violent whim as it struggles to get on its feet. I am tired of all these random or not so random acts of violence.

Is it going to be safe to go to concerts now? What about downtown can you take people there now? Is it safe to walk? are we going to over react to this or brush it under the carpet?

I was chatting with a friend about commitment and change. The context of course was meeting people and being with someone. Now if you’ve read my previous post Tarnib vs. Tricks you know I am a Tricks player. To go a bit farther and explain myself a bit more, I am afraid. I am afraid of commitment. I am afraid of change. I am afraid of losing myself. I am afraid of losing my freedom, which I have struggled hard to achieve. I am also so comfortable in my life and so used to enjoying being single that I do not want to give up this happiness for something completely unknown with someone unknown. I know that there are those people who are in relationships that will now rush to tell me I am missing out on the best things in life because of my singlehood. That being with THE ONE is incomparable. Well I’m going to go at this from two angles: the first is the concept of THE ONE, the other is THE ONE.

The concept of THE ONE is so depressing to me. To think that in this whole wide world of six billion people there is only one person for each of us is just unfathomable. The odds of meeting that one are so miniscule that you have to be one lucky bastard to find that person. What if my one was in Timbuktu? How do you go about finding this elusive ONE? Where do you start? How do you start? How do you know its THE ONE? How do you recognize THE ONE if they are standing behind you in the line at the bank? What does THE ONE look like? Can you see why I don’t believe in the idea of THE ONE?

I am a firm believer in multiple partners throughout life. I believe this for many reasons not just the odds of there being just one. I think that every relationship has a beginning and an end. Even if two people are together faithfully until death parts them, then that is the end of that relationship. And so others may form. Another reason is people change, and grow. With that growth your needs change and your needs aren’t always met by the first person you meet. So you move on to someone else. Yes, yes there are those cases of two people being together and growing together and being able to spend their whole lives with each other, and lovingly so. But call me a cynic, I somehow don’t believe in Hollywood endings. Or as Fergie sings “Fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending.”

I want to come back to the question of “what does THE ONE look like?” Well I know that as a kid me and my friends always had these lists of what Mr. Right would be like. I even carried it around in my wallet for a while. I now have no clue where that list is but I can remember a few of these desirable traits: good looking, funny, a good dancer, makes me laugh, strong shoulders and has a jeep. I know the list was a lot longer but the rest eludes me. I smile every time I think of that list because, well it’s a funny teenager’s list. Today if I were to even try to compile a list of desirables then it will be very different. Secure would be up there on the list, as is challenging, someone who can be in a relationship autonomously and give me my space and autonomy without begrudging them. Someone with a full life that complements mine, not completes it ,or competes with it. Someone who has shared values and similar goals. These are a few qualities that would top the list; And from my teen list I would keep good looking, funny and I would tweak good dancer to loves to dance. The jeep and shoulders negotiable !

Putting the list aside though, people are important to me. Relationships are important too. I don’t think they are easy, especially romantic relationships. I know that I like invest the tiem and effort in building friendships, and learning about someone, one layer at a time. I thrive on this. I take these relationships seriously. My life is full of wonderful people that I have gotten to know and am getting to know. Romance and love is usually not on the agenda when these relationships are forming. My take on that is if it happens it happens if not… oh well no worries nothing has to change, and hence I don’t have to jump. That doesn’t mean I don’t have the willingness to face those fears; I know that I am willing to jump. However, when I jump, I want a parachute, or I want to jump in tandem with someone I know I can trust to pull the cord when we need to. Until then Tricks anyone?

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