Have you ever had the feeling like you don’t belong? You are from another time or place? Looking back and looking around me I know I am a misfit. It doesn’t matter where I am or who I’m with or even what I’m doing, I’ve just always had the feeling that I don’t belong.
I think my first awareness of this came at the age of 13 when I first moved to Jordan. It didn’t matter what school I was in, which cousins I played with, what activity I was doing. I never quite fit in. My first set of friends in Jordan were from high school. We met in that first week of school where everybody knew everybody and nobody knew us. The six of us banded together through our differences, our weirdness, our stories and together we became friends despite all that. We accepted each other despite not liking each other at first. Today my longest standing relationship is with those friends. We still have our fundamental differences but when we get together we are still accepting of each other and enjoy each other’s company. I truly believe to this day we are a band of misfits trying to navigate our way through the world.
But moving to the present that feeling of being on the periphery has never really gone away. Even amongst friends and surrounded by people I consider close, many a time I feel I am an observer, standing in the corner watching, observing, but not partaking. Not one for cliques or groups, always inside but on the outside. A misfit.
I guess I have resigned myself to the fact I will always be a misfit, at work, at home, with friends, in cliques, in clubs… amongst the girls, and amongst the boys. It may mean going it alone a lot and maybe even being lonely. But the flip side of that is that I have stronger personal bonds with individuals rather than groups. It’s the way I am and I don’t really think I mind being a misfit. Its like that toy the ball with different shaped holes in it and you have blocks or pieces in different shapes that you need to fit through the right shape to get in. Well the thing is my shape keeps changing. I am never a square, triangle or circle .And yes it means I am on the outside most of the time, but at least I am not penned in with all the other shapes that fit through the hole. Trapped inside a cage of norms, customs and beliefs. I am an ever changing shape that will not fit in, I just may fit ever now and then.