I got an unwanted call today from someone that exited my life a while ago. It was a surprise, a perplexing one since there was no purpose to the call. This person was at one point important to me. We spoke every day, saw each other as often as possible, exchanged so much, but it all came with a price… one that was too high, and so this relationship ended. We haven’t spoken in months, I have moved on so far from where I was and if truth be told I am happier now.
When it ended there never was a major blow out or discussion about it, it was a sore point for a while but right now I don’t care to have that discussion nor do I want to open a channel of dialogue. I’ve move beyond that and don’t really care if this person knows, understands or realizes what they did, it is not my place to teach them, but rather I have learned. I have learned to let go, I have learned to value myself, I have learned to love, I have learned to what extent I can give. But I also learned not to be in an unequal relationship. I have learned not to undersell myself. I have learned that I don’t need to validate my decisions through others. I have learned who my true friends are.
I have done well to erase all traces of this person, what is left doesn’t move me, doesn’t interest me, doesn’t even sadden me anymore. But what gets to me is flimsy excuses to call, random SMSs once every blue moon to wish me a good Eid, and the casualness of voice, the tone that nothing happened. The fact that this person thinks we can pick up where we left off astounds me!
Every time this happens I want to blast off an email saying stop it you have no place in my life anymore and I don’t appreciate you trying. But I don’t because I don’t want to start a dialogue, I don’t want to give any false hope that we could be friends ever again. I lost all emotion, respect, and feelings for this person. I want to be left alone without the infrequent attempts of civility or contact. I am not interested in being a part of this person’s life in any way or want them in mine.
So I guess this is an open letter to this person to stop! We will never be what we were, we will never be friends, we can not have long conversations or short ones. There is no need to wish me a happy Eid when it comes or condolences when someone passes. There is no need or want for you in my life. Your space has been taken up by many others whose presence is much more rewarding. Our time together may have been special, it even had its beautiful moments, but it came at such a hefty price I am not willing to even consider anymore. If I were writing a book this chapter is over, closed, the ink dry and now there are many others after it. So just stop.
I would like to say to those in similar situations that they don’t have to keep going back, or keep the lines of communication open, the fear that there is no other way does leave you eventually, and that time does heal. There is life beyond a person, place, job, life even. Stop being afraid to move forward because if you stand still you won’t go anywhere. Take it from me, I stood still for a long time and now time has healed the hurt, the anger, the frustration and because I have moved forward I have so much behind me that the past is a mere speck on the horizon. It is a long long ways away and now my life if full of many others who bring more, give more, return more, and deserve more and I’m the better for it. So yes time heals, but only if you move forward.
November 11, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Try: I do not feel comfortable about you contacting me and would be appreciate if you ceased all further communication. Or simply: I would appreciate if you ceased all further communication with me.
No invitation to a dialogue and clearly states what you want.
BTW, I loved this post, especially para 2 and how you learned not to undersell yourself! yay you
November 11, 2008 at 3:59 pm
two things crossed my mine when reading this.
I wonder if there is someone that feels that way about me(although i would imagine the complain would be lack of communication rather than its existence).
The fact that there was no disclosed closure i guess provides space for false hopes or misunderstandings. although sometimes it’s seen as mean but having absolute closure “we are done” makes things easier to get over
November 11, 2008 at 5:20 pm
As a guy, the best way to handle this is to say:
“I have moved on”, and stop all communications with the person. Make it clear that you lost interest. You’re not trying to blame him, you’re not trying to negotiate a closure and you’re completely uninterested in this relationship. Don’t violently react as some guys take that as a sign to try harder
Guys are stubborn by nature, and hurting their egos is like trying to capture a wounded animal.
The reason I say this is that you don’t want to have a wounded animal limping behind you, trying to seize the moment to jump on you and use things you had in common as a weapon against you. But at the same time, you don’t want to extend an invitation to them. You just a peaceful, quite click on the “STOP” button
November 11, 2008 at 9:33 pm
you kidding me?? someone had the chance to be with you, and he didn’t hang on to it with his life and teeth? oh man now he will go down in history as the dumbest man of all time.
seriously,you’re a chick with really hot brains “I never got to know further than that but my interest permanently stands
” and I know the mainstream of guys you get to meet here and their way of thinking, one thing I can tell you that you definitely shouldn’t undersell yourself,or give yourself for granted,you are of extreme high value and anyone getting close to your life should appreciate and act based on that.
about blocking unwanted ppl out,I’d suggest you just ignore them and let them know you don’t think they are worth your time anymore.
November 11, 2008 at 11:21 pm
That’s really interesting. A part of me wants to hug you and applaud you. But there’s another part of me that wants to beg the question: If you had genuinely moved on, wouldn’t it be perfectly ok to continue whatever superficial “friendship” you could have?
I do not think that the final chapter should end with abandonment. I think it should end with ending the relationship you two had, and starting a relationship that does not exceed the limits of “so how have you been” and “Happy Eid”. Because abandonment makes the person feel that they matter so much, that you hate them. Some people aren’t even worth hating.
PS: This is not advice. I do not think that I am in any position to warrant unsolicited advice (I hate it when people tell us what to do regarding past events). I am merely saying what I normally do, and not in any way trying to undermine your decision.
November 13, 2008 at 2:50 pm
PH: you’ll get a hug anyway
I have moved on and if we meet I will be polite… what I dont like is the attempts at contact that make no sense to me and are unwanted. The acts imply selfishness and an arrogance that all can be well if I am nice now.
Anon: You crack me up and lift my spirts… thanks X
Qwaider: I think this person got the message loud and clear now… or so I hope.
Bambam: you are right the closure never really happened but you’d think months later we’d both moved on … no? I guess this is the closure and I like the fact that there is no dicsussion because I am really not interested in hearing what they have to say or discussing it… I am so far away from it that it doesnt interst me anymore.
Loolt: ahlan I think this is your first comment and I am glad you liked the post. More to come soon…
November 30, 2008 at 12:58 pm
One of the biggest lies told to us is:
“Time heals all wounds!” That’s utter codswollop! Hogwash! & Balderdash! For good measure.
Time does NOT heal all wounds IT JUST MAKES THE SCAR TISSUE THICKER! That’s all it does soothe it doesn’alleviate, it just becomes thicker which creates a numbing layes but you still feel the occasional twinge or sting once in a while.
April 15, 2009 at 2:44 pm
I read your blog for quite a long time and should tell you that your posts always prove to be of a high value and quality for readers.
April 22, 2009 at 9:52 pm
I read the article and the responses. I have been a victim of a person moving out while I was gone. It hurt and still hurts because 6 months later I tried to contact with letters, phone calls, emails and got no response. I did see the person out 3 different times and we talked 2 times. She apologized and I told her I was a complete asshole. She said, “Can’t we all just get along.” Later, I found that she said she was just being cordial. A mutual friend asked if we could ever hang out again and she replied, “Time will heal.” I don’t know what that means. I would have preferred her telling me to stop communicating. I could have moved on. I saw her out recently and she was with her friends but was talking to one of mine that I was to meet. I was so nervous that I chose to leave but she saw me first. Everyone says I should let it go, but I cannot because I love her and I did a series of stupid things. She never communicated to me but if I wasn’t listening she should have made sure I heard her. I never knew that she loved me until it was too late. She listed specific examples to my friend that demonstrated the hurt, the anger, the pain she felt. She told him that she was ‘uncomfortable’ at my house. I don’t know if I should speak to her next time I see her out or leave it alone. I want to make amends and I have asked people and her in letters, if you don’t want me to bother you PLEASE TELL ME. Time has not healed. I cope better but the pain is still there.