I am a selfish woman, sometimes even very selfish. This, I know, is a very strong statement. Strong because we, as a society, view selfishness as a very negative trait. We are taught at a very young age to share. As Arab women, we are taught at a very young age to be selfless, and place others constantly before us. There is a high value on the happiness of those around us, and as young girls we see and learn that a woman who sacrifices and puts her family, friends, and others in general before her is a virtuous, good woman. Selflessness is a highly prized virtue. Well I disagree, and I disagree strongly. I think being selfish is a good thing.
I regard “I am a selfish woman” as a very positive affirmation of all my accomplishments and life achievements. I think it is completely and utterly OK to place a high value on the things you want, your desired achievements, and to go after them. One’s own priorities may not match those that are around them, but let me ask you this: when someone asks you to take their needs into consideration first, is this not selfishness on their part? I think it is. So why is it OK for us to come last then?
I used to be very selfless. I would place a much higher value on the happiness of others and their needs. This usually meant that I came out last if I even got a turn. I was a pleaser. If decisions were being made everyone’s contributions, needs, and or feelings were considered, by me, before mine. Sometimes, actually most times, this left me feeling frustrated, angry, or just disgruntled.
Today, I have put my foot down. I won’t do things I do not want to do. If our interests are at odds then I place a high value on my needs first and then consider the others. I am the most important person to me. Just as you are the most important person to yourself. Each one our universes revolves around us. I recognize that and for that I am called selfish. It is a tag I have no problem wearing, because I may not come out on top every time, but I sure as hell don’t come last every time either.
Finally, I would like to say that putting myself first does not in any way mean that respect, consideration, or compassion for others is thrown out the window. It’s just that now the parameters of how my life and my decisions are made are different, and for that I am a very selfish woman J.
March 1, 2008 at 11:12 am
That’s the irony of it; selfish people tend to be more successful, but that if they are able to shut off their conscience. Selfless people are less successful, but that because of the sacrifices they make. At least according to them, they have the peace of mind.
March 1, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Jasim its not about success alone but there other issues and that is how much you value your self and your needs.
March 1, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Well at times, I agree with you. Sometimes one has to value himself, even if it means being selfish for a while.
March 1, 2008 at 4:33 pm
My warped logic – If putting yourself first for a while makes you happy, then it is actually an unselfish action in that it makes it easier for the people around you to be happy, too!
March 1, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I believe in “balance”…selfless is great to a limit…and you should make sure that you are not selfless with every breathing creature.
on the other hand, even your family and loved ones must be reminded everyonce a while that you have “needs”…because humans keep forgetting.
March 1, 2008 at 7:09 pm
jumana you are so right we do keep forgetting and we do need to remind ppl of our being every once in a while.
March 2, 2008 at 8:27 am
Right on shalabieh! you are the center of your universe,let them call u what they want..at least you know u can sleep happily at night and not pathetically worried about being…ah..whats the word for “mazloomeh”..
March 31, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Shalabieh, I admire your courage and wisdom. I think for women to get out of the discourse of only having their identity when being in the function of men is a challenge for women all over the world. And a very very painful issue for all the humanity.
And for you, having been shaped by a culture that leaves even less space for the women to meet their fundemental and existential needs, I guess is even harder. To open up to your own needs and to still be able to find a way to balance it all and continue functioning in the social world.
Well, you have all the support and best wishes from my side
April 1, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Robert, thank you for your support and your words
Its always good to know that there are like minded people out there.
June 30, 2008 at 6:16 am
Hey there popped by for a quick read!
I have found that when people call you selfish it is usually because you do not want to do things their way!
Long live selfishness if it is self-preservation!
July 10, 2008 at 9:20 am
have you read “The Fountainhead”…?
I agree with you… First you should start by making yourself happy… being “selfish”… then you go out and do things for other people…
July 12, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Look what Eve did to Adam and all of us the results of a selfish woman.
September 6, 2008 at 5:06 am
My good friend called me selfish tonight. It hurt alittle but,now I can see that it’s a good thing.
December 9, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Just brilliant! Self-esteem, self respect, success are to humans like water to plants. Our enjoyment of our life depends on it. I learnt these ideas after reading Ayn Rand and since then I have this view of life. Self-esteem does not mean disrespect of others at all.
April 15, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Of course Shalabieh is selfish, she’s become ” Americanized ” and is now part of the most vapid (look that one up Shalabieh, altough selfishness is a strong suit for you- I’d be willing to bet vocabulary isn’t) moronic culture on earth. Reading, altruism, intelligent discourse- all of these probably mean nothing to her. Any man with common sense and a modicum of self-esteem will leave her alone- but there will be a host of fools all too willing to prostrate themselves at her feet. How sad!
April 17, 2009 at 9:44 am
Scott – though myself being rather critical of american culture (too), I find it a bit harsh to just generalize that a culture is moronic, therefore there being good and bad cultures… I believe problems start arising at this very moment of such evaluations.
But the main thing I felt when I read your comment was wondering on what do you base your diagnosis that reading, altruism and intelligent discourse probably mean nothing to Shalabieh?
And another question: how do you know that any man with common sense…. will leave her alone? So, whoever likes her writing has actually no common sense?
You seem to be very very angry. I wonder what made you so angry? Would you be willing to share that?
April 30, 2009 at 9:46 pm
If all women were like you do you think you would have existed?
If men treated women the way they treat us do you think your life would be easy?
If all women aspire to is doing nothing why don´t you just shoot yourself? A woman is born than dies what was the point of her life?
Women laugh at other peoples problems so others won´t laugh at theirs!
Women value popularity men value character!
feminism destroys what´s left of women.
Why is it that a man is born and wants to be someone in life achieve goals etc.
Women just want a guy that is everything they are not or don´t have.
selfish women deserve selfish spoiled brat little boys just like them! no sympathy from me.
April 30, 2009 at 9:51 pm
so when a bus is gonna run right over you, i should be selfish and let you get killed then! why should i risk my life to save yours? When my little sister needs a kidney or else… I´ll just keep my spare one to myself!
When someones trying to rape you while you´re drunk in some back alley why risk my life for you?
When you crash your car and your bleeding like a river i shouldn´t stop and help with the bleeding?
Your child falls in the pool.. well you go and get it. eat shit and die you horrible twat. hope you get whats coming to ya.
May 3, 2009 at 6:28 pm
W22A – I believe you understood Shalabieh saying that she wants to take care of her own needs ONLY and completely ignore other people. And I guess this pissed you off because you value mutual caring for each other very highly. However, I read Shalabieh saying “”..putting myself first does not in any way mean that respect, consideration, or compassion for others is thrown out the window.”" I understand her saying that neglecting her own needs, sacrificing them eternally in order to meet other people’s expectations is something that does not work on the long run. And that what she needs to do is to take care of her own needs first – before she can even consider meeting needs of other people. So I hear her calling herself as SELFISH only metaphorically – if you take into account the meaning of the whole post.
Would you agree that it is important for people, men and women alike, to be attentive to their own needs and not sacrifice them forever in order to meet expectations of others?
And, by the way, feminism is about equality of rights among different genders, not about selfishness. Would you agree on the point that it is good if women have their rights, needs and values respected in the same way as men do?